Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
