he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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