when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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