My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
