then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
