I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
