There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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