Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
