I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
