If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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