i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
