I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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