Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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