if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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