Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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