You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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