I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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