the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
