My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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