I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
