i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
