dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
