Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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