mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
not ubering you a puppy
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
