my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
