I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
