I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
