well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
