the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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