You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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