alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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