i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
