she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
