the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Boobs speak an international language.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
