i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I checked into jail on foursquare
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
