My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
did you just send me my own nude
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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