I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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