I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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