Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
