My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
