guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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