Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
