Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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