she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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