I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
