one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
