Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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