You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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