You were right. It hurts to walk today.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
