it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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