um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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